I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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