and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
