I CAN MOONWALK!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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