I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
