"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
