the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
