HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
