I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
