I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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