I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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