I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
