Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
