im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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