Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I faked an abortion last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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