my phone needs a breathalizer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
