can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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