haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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