and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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