I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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