im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
