You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
