I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
