The maid of honor just puked.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
