You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
