you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
