I got chris browned last night
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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