"it" just moved
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
