wrigley field is MILF paradise
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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