Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
