I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
