hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i barfeds in our rink
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
