I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
