I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
