I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.