I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?