here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.