Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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