I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You ate ashes out of my bong
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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