It was confusing and full of hummus
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
