If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
