My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
