the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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