I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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