I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
