he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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