i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
