God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
