Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
