I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
