the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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