I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just invented taco cereal.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
