There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
