Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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