My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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