Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
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so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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