as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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