I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
