I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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