hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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