Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
