Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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