Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My hand turned me down
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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