Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
