The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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