**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
