just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
