going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
