Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
